Shit Happens (Sorry Mom)

I was driving down I-85 Saturday morning at 65 mph gabbing with my sister about Italian sausage and motorcycle underwear when I realized I'd just bypassed my exit (DAMN!!!).  I was on my way to my laser chin hair removal appointment and now I was going to be late.  And that's when it happened.  With no warning whatsoever.......I shit my pants.

I assure you, while it seems like I might make some of this stuff up to make the blog more interesting (or to make my life look more ridiculous - if that's at all possible), this epic nightmare did indeed happen to me at 8:45am Saturday morning on my way to get my chin hairs zapped.  I was already feeling a bit wonky from the day before.  I'm not sure what got ahold of me - I blame it on the gas station cheese I purchased after my hair appointment on Thursday night, but who really knows what goes on in our insides.  We could guess all day and never figure it out - sometimes I think our insides just want to let us know who the boss is.  Anyway, I left Jill's charity event on Friday evening earlier than planned because my stomach was hurting and I was feeling nauseated, but I took a long bath when I got home and I actually felt pretty good when I woke up Saturday morning.  When I realized that I had just crapped my pants I was faced with a dilemma. Do I go home, or continue on to my appointment.  I know many of you don't find this to be a dilemma, but just before the "incident," I had already called ahead to say I was on my way but that I was going to be a few minutes late.  Plus, I had cancelled the last two appointments.  Certainly after missing my exit and crapping my pants - all the forces of the universe were pointing towards - TURN AROUND AND GO THE FECK HOME AMY, YOU JUST SHIT YOURSELF!!!  However, as tears began to stream down my face - something came over me.  I was  hell bent on making it to this appointment.  The forces were trying to stop me, but I was having none of that!!  NONE OF THAT - I tell you!!!  After that, my survival skills took over.  I reached behind my seat, grabbed a wad of napkins and shoved them down the back of my pants . . . . . . and continued on to my appointment.  No fecal fiasco was going to keep me from completing my mission.  I have put up with a lot of shit from other people over the past few years, I could certainly figure out how to deal with a bit of my own without panicking and turning tail.

Once I arrived, I rushed past the receptionist- saying over my shoulder "I'm here, but I really need to use the facilities" and I disappeared into the bathroom.  I did a quick, but thorough "clean up" and then returned to the reception area with my sweatshirt pulled down as far as I could get it.  The receptionist informed me that since I was now 15 minutes late she was going to have to get the main Doctor/owner dude, who was currently finishing up some paperwork, to treat me and if I would please just have a seat.  *Gulp*  My "clean up" job was pretty good, but I was now sporting a wet spot on my pants so I had to sit sort of sideways on my hip as not to leave any "evidence" behind. 

The doctor called me in and I jumped up on the examination table (white leather - of course - this place is kind of high falutin).  I have been treated by the main Doctor dude in the past, and while the zapping does not take longer than like 2 or 3 minutes, he is a bit of a chatter box.  This time after he zapped me he proceeds to say.  "You know, I just treated a woman who really really impressed me.  She was just so amazing that I had to google her after she left.  I found out that she won a Pulitzer Prize.  Isn't that amazing.  You just never know who you might meet."  I just looked up at him silently as he beamed with pride at having met such an amazing patient, all the while fighting myself internally from saying, "I just shit my pants.  That's pretty amazing."  But I didn't say it out loud.  I just jumped down from the examination table, gave a quick glance behind me at the white leather table (just to make sure) and went home.

[SIDEBAR - Sorry Mom - You begged me not to blog about this "incident," but I just couldn't NOT.]

[DOUBLE SIDEBAR - The talk of Italian sausages and motorcycle underwear was because I drew my brother-in-law for X-Mas gifts this year.  In case you were wondering.]

A Whole New Me - - - from the chin up

Ok - I have been super busy these last several weekends, making blogging close to impossible (that might be an exaggeration, but just go with it).  Anyway, I have a ton to blog about from Halloween, but just haven't had a minute to put it together yet.  I will try to get that together this weekend.  In the meantime, I will share my new hair do with you.  Why a new hair do, you ask?  Well, it is no secret that I have a few gray hairs sneaking onto my head.  However, this didn't bother me so much at first.  I mean, I haven't seen my natural hair color since I was about 14 or so, so I figured what's the big deal, I'll just keep coloring it.  Well, the last time I got my hair colored (dark reddish - as you know), the hair stylist was trying to talk me into highlights and going lighter with my hair to help hide the grays for longer - - - and she says to me "I mean you're about 60% underneath your color."  I said "60% what"?  She responded "60% gray" all nonchalant, like she had just asked me to pass her the mustard.  I said "WHAT"?  This time with more emphasis.  And trust, I know how to emphasize.  She said, "yeah, you got a lot of gray under there."  The nerve.  And she didn't even whisper it.  I immediately took to social networking so that I could further emphasize my disgust to my nearest and dearest.  When I told Darryl that my stylist told me I was 60% gray underneath my hair color - he responded, as any good friend would, "well tell her to stop looking under there!"  I felt much better after than and went on with my life. 

Anyway, (this was supposed to be a quick in-and-out post, but you know me - I'm long winded).  Long story short (you're welcome), my grays started sneaking back onto my head very soon after I had my hair colored.  I am the type that will go way beyond the recommended time for a re-color, so I was not happy to be faced with hideous gray roots only 3 weeks after my coloring.  Yesterday I decided the stylist was onto something with the whole idea of going lighter so that they grays aren't as evident when they start sneaking back onto my head like the plague.  I emailed her and said I was ready to "go light" (I'm going to refrain from making the obvious joke here).   I asked her if I needed to book any extra time or if the usual time for a coloring was appropriate.  She said the usual time would be plenty.  She was wrong.  I arrived at the salon last night at 5:00pm and didn't leave until 9:00pm (a usual hair coloring lasts no longer than an hour).  When you are going lighter, you have to strip the darker color down (with bleach).  It all sounds very violent, I know.  She put the bleach on my head and set me aside.  My hair turned a lovely pinky/orangy color.  Final step (or so we thought) was to add the new color and voila, done.  Didn't go like that, at all.  As she was rinsing the color out she noticed that the lightening wasn't necessarily even so she added a gloss and let that sit on my head.  Mind you, the bleach already sat on my head for nearly 30 minutes and the new color already sat on my head for over 30 minutes.  Now some gloss was going to sit on my head for 5 to 10 minutes.  My frowzies were already like "WTF dude."  Anyway, She took  me to her chair and started drying me.  That's when she started shaking her head.  I don't like it when doctors or hair stylists shake their heads while looking at my body parts or hair.  But she just kept shaking.  Then she says to me "It's a little uneven, so we have two options, we can go back in and do highlights (more bleach) and add a different color in between the highlights or we can try to put a whole new color on and see if it evens out.  I'm not sure why she was asking me, but she looked like she was trying to lead me towards the highlights, so I said "let's go with highlights."  So, some bleach sat on my head for 30 more minutes and another color sat on my head for another 15 minutes and now I have a new hair do.  And a bit of a headache.  I am getting used to the highlights and she tells me the copper color will fade and make a nice strawberry blond.  I guess my hair is still "in process."  I am not totally in love with it yet, but it is growing on me.  The Ladies of the Conference Room gave their stamp of approval.  

A collage of my road to strawberry blond
(top left - was after the first bleaching; top right was after first
round of coloring; bottom right and left shows the highlights and the
in-between the highlights color - oy vey)



You can't really see the blond stripes and the too orangyness
in this pic, but all in all It's growing on me



Wow, most people can't eat the whole thing...

I don't know about you, but it seems that whenever I am scheduled to go somewhere for fun, where I might be featured in several photographs, or visit with people I haven't seen in a while, I get a huge zit, contusion, carbuncle or whatever on my face just before leaving.  It is a curse that I have been unable to lift thus far.  I am on constant search for the antidote.  It continues to elude me.  Even before I was rudely "made redundant" from DLA Piper back in 2009, Earl the Cat marked me - on the eve of my "redundancy" - by scratching me across the face.  Nothing like being made redundant with two festering scratches across your eyebrow.  It adds an additional level of patheticness to the whole scenario, wouldn't you say?  Damn that curse.

Anyway, as you know, I went to Chicago this past weekend to visit Darryl and Benji.  The night before I flew out, I could already feel the underground zit building on my chin.  It was the kind where you can't actually pop it, but rather it takes up twice as much mass and just makes the whole area look red and angry.  I did as much mitigation as was in my power before turning in, in hopes that it would reverse course sometime in the night.  It was silly thinking that the curse would let me off that easy.  I woke up Friday morning with Earl the Cat on my pillow - curled around my head.  Rather than make him move, I started to fall back asleep.  Before you judge me, keep in mind that abuse victims often return to the source of the abuse on average of seven times before actually changing their situation.  If we are looking on the bright side - I'm halfway to either killing Earl the Cat with a frying pan or some other less drastic means of preventing him from introducing his claws to my head ever again.  As you can surely predict, just as I was almost back to sleep, I was awakened with a panicked cat screech and claws penetrating my head and chin.  I think it was my sudden snoring/snorting that startled him (whatever - I'm just guessing again - it could still be the frowzies).  I knew I was bleeding, but I just couldn't bring myself to move.  As I clutched my head (that's just an instinctive reaction when daggers have just been removed) I thought to myself  - oh yeah, the cycle requires that I now chase Earl through the house and beat him with my flip-flop.  With flip-flop retaliation now out of the way, I went to the bathroom to survey the damage.  Now my chin housed an underground zit that looked bulbous enough for a small family of spiders to come streaming out at any minute and a collection of fresh scratches compliments of Earl the Cat.  Swell, just swell.

Much to my dismay, I did not find Darryl and Benji huddled in a corner of a dank apartment building in the big scary city of Chicago begging for me to rescue them and take them home with me to Atlanta.  No, no they seem to be doing just fine in Chitown.  Their luxury city apartment is surrounded by windows overlooking the City and Lake Michigan (apparently it's not the Mississippi River.  NO!!!  Of course that's not what I thought.  I say that for clarification only - just in case YOU thought it was the Mississippi River.  Sheesh.)  We had a lovely three-day visit.  It rained both Saturday and Sunday, but that didn't stop us from walking all over the city!!  We visited Chinatown, went to an off-Broadway show (Kinky Boots - fabulous!!), visited "the Bean" and Buckingham Fountain and ate lots of good food and enjoyed each other company.  I didn't even let it get me down (much) when the dumb-ass waiter at one of the local pubs actually said to me while clearing our plates "Wow, most people can't eat the whole thing" in reference to my shrimp po boy sandwich.  "Really, did you just say that to me?" was my exasperated response.  Obviously he hasn't been properly trained in good customer relations - much less interacting with women!!!!  And in my defense, it was a normal po boy sandwich - it wasn't the size of two sandwiches or anything!!!!  Benji and Darryl both cleaned their plates too and I didn't see him throwing any shock and awe their way!!!  The nerve!!

In front of Buckingham Fountain



 

Buckingham Fountain



This is us reflected in "The Bean" - I don't know why Benji looks
like a terrorist...

Breakfast Bloody Mary
(strategically covering my zit)

 

After dinner in Chinatown

Picture on the boys' balcony - that's Lake Michigan in the background
(aka Mississippi River)

Evidence of my most recent feline abuse (ignore the view up my nose)
If you look close enough - you can also see the outline of my new traveling chin zit!!!



My Horoscope and My New Favorite Movie

I MEANT TO POST THIS BIT YESTERDAY - SO IT'S A DAY LATE.

I'm gonna start off by sharing my horoscope for today (aka BEST HOROSCOPE EVER):

You stand out from the crowd, don't you? Being unique is kind of your thing. And today, you'll get to show off just how different you are. In fact, think of yourself as the star of your own novel, as your imagination comes vividly to life. Everything you do could turn out to be a big, lusty adventure! Put your usual responsibilities on the back burner, if at all possible, because the current energy calls for being spontaneous.

This horoscope is eerily on target with my whole "live a better story" goal ("star of my own novel"!!!  GET OUT!!) and I am so looking forward to my "lusty adventure" however the only thing I have planned for today is to go see Hotel Transylvania with my gay friend Don.  That, to me, doesn't look like a recipe for a lusty adventure, but I guess it's all in the translation!!

NOW FOR TODAY'S TIDBIT:

Just watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel with Judi Dench, Maggie Smith and other amazing British actors.  Right now it is my favorite movie of 2012.  I had to rewind it and pause it to get last bit of dialogue to share with you:

"The person who risks nothing - does nothing, has nothing.  All we know about the future, is that it will be different.  Perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same.  So we must celebrate the changes.  Because as someone once said, ‘everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, then trust me, it’s not yet the end.’"

The movie (in my eyes - and let me know if you disagree) is about fear and change, endings and new beginnings.  There is something in it for everyone to identify with.  And it's wonderful.  I do so love Judi Dench and Maggie Smith.  You will LOVE it.  Be prepared to cry and laugh and rewind.  It was exactly what I needed for the end of a great weekend.  Hope you had a great one too!!!

Successful Fundraiser; Mildly Successful Yard Sale; and WORST... MASSAGE... EVER.

A lot has happened over the past couple of weeks!!  I am going to break this blog post up into subsections and attempt to not drag on too long (you're welcome) on any one topic. 

Successful Tapestri Fundraiser:  As you know from my previous posts, I had been gearing up towards the annual fundraiser for my charity - Tapestri, Inc.  The event occurred on Sept. 20th and was super successful.  We had a couple of speakers (Jovita Moore - a local news anchor, and a trafficking survivor) and tons of great art for auction (lots from the Sullivan clan).  I had a great group of friends come out to support me and Tapestri. And I can't thank them enough for being there with me. I don't have the final tally of funds raised yet, but almost all of the art went home with worthy supporters. I may or may not have had four glasses of wine that evening.  Hey!  I was nervous about presenting my art for the first time!  I needed a little liquid courage.  In the end, everyone seemed to love the art.  Here are a couple of pics:
 

Me, Gerry and Diane



Me, Tamera, Deborah and Mel



Me and Tamera (before the hair went up)



Quick shot of the event space.














Mildly Successful Yard Sale:  On Sept. 22nd, Lawrence, Rick and I had a yard sale.  Rick and Lawrence are moving into a new home in Midtown (just down the street from me!) and had lots of crap to get rid of.  I always have crap I need to get rid of - so we had a collective yard sale.  The weather has been so nice and cool lately (it's Fall y'all), but, as luck would have it, Mother Nature decided to throw us a total scorcher for the day of the yard sale.  Perfect weather for luring folks to yard sales, but absolutely miserable for the yard sale hosts who had to stand in the blazing sun for a good part of the day.  Oy vey it was hot!!  While we didn't make the millions we had hoped for, we did earn some good folding-money at the yard sale and enjoyed spending time with each other (as always!).  Here are some yard sale day pics:

Panoramic shot of the yard sale

 

Working into the wee hours of the night
on yard sale signs!!!



Finished!!!

Lawrence and Rick surveying
the merchandise



The yard sale gang!



Our "It's too hot, we are tired, can we be done now" face.



WORSE....MASSAGE...EVER:  After a week full of activities my ole body was aching something fierce.  At about 5pm on Sunday evening I decided I needed a massage.  As many of you know, I am more of a last minute gal, and having no appointment scheduled, I was less than confident that I would actually be able to score a massage so late in the evening.  After 5 calls to well known spas, I was about to give up.  Then I remembered that before Darryl abandoned me by moving to Chicago we had noticed this place on Ponce called "Heavenly Foot Massage."  I figured a foot massage was better than no massage so I gave them a call.  When they answered and I asked if they had any open appointments for that night they responded "sure, are you wanting a foot massage?"  I instantly perked up and said "do you give other kinds of massages?"  "Ah sure, we have body massages too."  Ok, I'll admit that I gave a moment of pause at the thought of getting a body massage at a place specializing in foot massages, but I was in a bad way and desperate for a massage so I booked a massage for 7pm.  About fifteen minutes later I got a call back from Heavenly Foot Massage and the guy said they looked at the appointment book wrong and my appointment would have to be at 7:45pm.  With a tish of annoyance at having my gratification further delayed (no, not that kind of gratification), I agreed to the later time.  When I arrived, I had no fewer than three staff members say "do you have an appointment" to me - to which I responded - "Yes, I have an appointment for 7:45."  At about 7:55 another staff person came out and stood at the reception desk.  She looked over at me in the waiting room and said "Do you have an appointment?" To which I responded (again) "Yes, I have an appointment at 7:45."  She looked at me and said "The rooms aren't ready."  In my head I said Ok then, I trust you'll let me know when they ARE ready, but out loud I said "Ok."  FINALLY someone comes out and gets me and takes me to a room (that is in fact ... now ready).  I "assume the position" and the girl at the desk that told me the room wasn't ready comes in to give me my massage.  She sighs rather dramatically and says "This is the third massage in a row I have done today."  I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to that obvious contempt at having to do yet another massage, so I just said "wow" and buried my head in the head cradle.  I asked for a deep tissue massage, but was provided with a gentle lotion rub down for an hour.  After finishing my back massage, and before moving on to legs, she put one of those rice filled pouches in the microwave.  At some point the strong scent of burnt rice (really burnt rice) began to permeate the room.  She took the scorched rice pouch out of the microwave and immediately placed it on my lower back. The only barrier standing between my naked skin and a scorching rice pouch was a flimsy sheet.  She says to me "Let me know if that gets too hot."  I immediately responded "It's too hot."  She took it off and moved on to my legs. At some point she disappeared from the room for like 5 minutes.  She returned with luke warm towels (I guess she figured I was sensitive to hot temperatures since I didn't enjoy the scorched rice compress).  She then proceeded to give me a very rough sponge bath.  Now, I've been to many a spa where they will wipe off the excess oil/lotion after finishing the massage so that you are not slipping in your shoes or damaging your clothes.  However, this scrub-down rivaled the Korean scrub you get at the JeJu spa.  She wasn't giving me a quick wipe down, she was destroying evidence.  At the finish of the one hour session a loud alarm clock began to go off.  She let it go off for over one minute before lumbering over to turn it off.  There was no confusion that the massage was over.  She said "Thank you" and left the room.  No, "how was that," "make sure you drink lots of water," "take your time getting up." No, just "thank you" - I translated that to be "thank you for making me do my 4th massage in a row you no heat tolerance last minute massage planning bitch."  Thank you.  She left the room too fast for me to say "You're welcome."  They had to unlock the door to let me out.  Needless to say I will not be going back to Heavenly Food Massage anytime soon.

Ireland, Chicago and Dillsboro:  On a final note, I purchased my ticket to Ireland and will be heading to Union Hall for Christmas/New Years.  I had a tish of "buyers remorse" after purchasing the plane ticket, but after mulling it over I reminded myself that I vowed to live a better story when I left the fast paced, stressful world of big law practice.  While I might not know what will be happening in December - job wise - I know that I can and will make it work.  I miss Ireland terribly and I miss my friends in Ireland.  I am also planning on taking a trip to Chicago to visit Darryl and Benji in October and Olivia and I are meeting for a weekend spa/mountain weekend in Dillsboro, NC the first of November.  I am excited about all three trips!!!! 

Our Painting Weekend Kicked off on a "Phallic Note"

This past weekend was designated "painting weekend."  No, don't be alarmed.  It wasn't an officially designated weekend or holiday.  YOU weren't required to paint.  Only my family was required to participate.  Mom and Lisa came into town to help paint in anticipation of my Tapestri fundraiser and silent art auction coming up on September 20th.  My condo looked like a Michael's massacre for the majority of the weekend and Earl the Cat insinuated himself into the mix in every obnoxious way possible, but we had a blast and got some great art projects finished (some pictured below).

The weekend kicked off Friday night with a visit to HD1 - a Haute Doggery around the corner.  Yes, that's fancy talk for hot dog joint.  Anyway, it's the only place in town (that I know of) that offers a veggie hot dog.  Other than being out of half of what we asked for, the food was pretty good and I will definitely go back for a veggie dog and waffle fries.  After knocking back our haute dogs we headed off to Atlanta's premiere adult fantasy store - Inserection.  Yes, you heard correctly, we drug mom to the vibrator store.  It seemed like a natural progression to the evening.  To be honest, Lisa's friend from Asheville asked her to go to the vibrator store in Atlanta to get her a vibrator.  Either the selection in Asheville is substandard or the gal was embarrassed to buy her own vibrator - I never got to the bottom of (pardon the pun) the real reason for the requested vibrator run.  While picking out a vibrator is quite a personal matter and I don't recommend you send someone else to do that for you, we took our task seriously and went only slightly over budget with our final choice.  Mom took the adventure in stride and I even caught her lingering in the 50 Shades of Grey section.  Who knows, she might be back!!!

Anywho, the weekend was loads of fun and it was nice to have family in town so that I didn't have to wallow alone in the bamboo patch.  Darryl and Benji arrived safely in Chicago.  I have posted a couple of pics below of their departure.


Haute Doggery (Phallic phase 1)

Inserection - Vibrator Store (Phallic phase 2)
And if you don't have a picture with your mother
in front of the wall of black dildos you're the poorer for it.
Notice Lisa and I are the only ones with smiles on our faces.

No picture of a paint explosion would be complete without Earl the Cat

 

Lisa's Georgia peach blossom pottery



Mom's miniature Christmas paintings

My angel painting



The official "loading of the truck" - and just to clarify - this is
a picture of Darryl and Benji's moving day and not the loading
of the vibrators we bought at Inserection.  I mean really.



Cutie pie one (who has abandoned me) and cutie pie two (who has also abandoned me)

 

The bon voyage photo.



Friends are kisses blown to us by angels. . . .

The past two weeks have definitely been weeks of friendships.  This will be more of a personal blog and less of a humorous, silly blog.  And in an effort towards full disclosure - I had two red wines and one margarita (plus part of Benji's margarita - plus I licked his salt) prior to drafting this blog.

I am posting a few pictures of my visit with my BFF Stacey.  She has recently moved to Dallas - Fort Worth Texas with her youngest daughter Mya and they are finding their place in Texas.  It is always difficult moving to a new city - away from what you know - away from what makes you feel comfortable and safe.  Change is always hard.  You doubt yourself.  Feel guilty if it doesn't work out for those you are responsible for.  It's just generally scary.  But it can be O so fun and exciting if you open yourself to new possibilities.  I feel confident now that Stacey and Mya will be fine.  They are not only open to new possibilities, but they are already experiencing them with gusto!!  Fair play to Stacey and Mya.  I had a blast in Ft. Worth, even though it was 100+ degrees the whole time I was there.  I never thought I would wish for Atlanta temperatures!!!!

Also, my BFFs Darryl and Benji are abandoning (selfish word) me and moving to Chicago.  Darryl and Benji have been a part of my weekly routine for quite some time now and their absence will be felt on a profound level.  I love them like family and will miss them so much when they go (which will be tomorrow - que the sobbing).  I know they will be only a quick visit away, but it's not the same.  I like having them here with me and selfishly I want them to stay.  I know they can't.  They have a chance for a new adventure, and even though it will make me sad (for a while), I want that for them.  Crying now, just so you know.  As I have already told them - they are one of the most amazing couples I know and it has been so amazing watching their relationship evolve.  They will have so much fun in Chicago and I can't wait to visit them.  They can't get rid of me this easily!

FIRST THE DALLAS PICS AND THEN THE DARRYL AND BENJI ABANDONING ME PICS:

Amy and Stacey (in 100 degree weather)

"Texas Jim" at cattle drive - Ft. Worth

I did not buy any boots



longhorn cattle - stock yards, Ft. Worth



Stock Yards, Ft. Worth



This is how you eat sushi in Texas.
Don't mess with us.





Me, Stacey and Mya



For Darryl and Benji's going away we did a painting
class at "Sips and Strokes" - we didn't name
the joint give us a break, but we had fun!!!

More Sips and Strokes
(to further explain the "sips" was the BYOB aspect
and the "strokes" was the painting aspect - OBVIOUSLY!!

Final hooters

I sent Darryl and Benji to Chicago with angels
of their own to watch over them!!!



I threatened to go live in the bamboo patch on North Ave.
when Darryl and Benji move to Chicago-
cause' that's where you go when you are depressed and missing
your friends.  In this picture I was
practicing my sad bamboo existence.  Look for me there..