Ball Wipes and Bicycles

[WARNING:  This post contains a lengthy discussion about a man's balls – Proceed at your own risk]

Ok, so this week in CONTRACT land was a bit bizarre.  First, I learned that my fellow contractors would rather be in an office of their own (window or not) rather than in the conference room as a group long-term.  Not that they don’t enjoy the company, but long-term they would rather have their own space.  I, on the other hand, quite enjoy the companionship of the room and would have no problem if the gig lasted a few months longer.  When I said to the group – “I love being in the room with y’all, being able to chat whenever I want,” CONTRACTOR Tanya’s response was, “I can tell.”  Not quite sure how to take that.  Anyway, on Friday as we were winding down for the week my fellow contractors and I came up with, what we believe will be, a multi-million dollar idea.  We were randomly chatting (and hey, I’m not the only chatter box in the room – no matter what CONTRACTOR Tanya thinks) about all the commercials out there designed to humiliate a woman and/or make her feel like her nether regions need a freshening up.  There are sprays, deodorants, wipes, powders and whatnot for “freshening” the vagina.  There are yeast infection commercials – where a girl stands looking at herself in a storefront window in gray baggy clothes knowing she can’t possibly interact with the human population until she buys a soothing over-the-counter crème.  There are razor commercials where the bushes (yes, I said bushes – and I am sure the symbolism is not lost on you) change form as a woman walks by into nice svelte well-groomed bushes.  There is a new commercial (I think it's about fighting odor too, but I can't remember) where the phrase “hail to the V” is used (yes, meanng vagina).  I mean REALLY???  So one of us said, “why aren’t there as many humiliating products out there relating to the smell of a man’s privates” – and that’s when we came up with the idea of “Ball Wipes.”  See the problem is, society has not created in men the same insecurities as they have in women.  By seeing the advertisements on TV and in magazines we start to believe that the natural scent of our vagina is somehow bad and that our vaginas are really meant to smell like lavender or a summer’s breeze.  We decided we needed to start a grass-roots campaign to freshening up the balls.  To help men understand that perhaps their balls were meant to smell like woodland hills or pine chips or the bark of an oak tree.  The more and more we thought of this idea the better it sounded.  We spent much of the day on Friday canvasing our friends and family.  The men, as expected, were not initially overwhelmed with the idea.  Of course, that’s because men are still under the impression that there’s nothing wrong with the smell of their balls.  Women, on the other hand, were enthusiastically in favor of a ball freshening wipe for men.  A few examples of responses were:

·        CONTRACTOR Juniata’s mother:  “Hon, are you sitting next to a stinky man on the subway?” [side bar – if you can smell your balls through your clothing “Ball Wipes” will not help you – you must seek medical attention.  After Juniata explained further why we were creating the product for men, she simply stated “well, they need them.”

·        CONTRACTOR Clare’s brother:  “Interesting”

·        CONTRACTOR Tanya’s brother-in-law: “We don’t need a wipe, we can just take a shower” – Right, cause women can’t take showers – that’s why we need 5000 products to make our vaginas smell like morning glories.

·        My Sister Lisa: “Men should have something anyway, I’m tired of them disparaging the vagina.  I think mine smells wonderful.  Balls however always smell untoward.  You have my blessing.”

·        My Friend Olivia:  “I think they do need their own line of crap.  Do it.  Wipe the balls.”

·        My Friend Darryl: “I think the gays would be all over it. . . It might be harder to sell to the straight men, as usual!  But it could have potential.”

With our mixed reviews (100% support from women and only gay men in our corner) we drew up a crude contract (pictured below) and I reached out to my law school buddy and Intellectual Property attorney.  I worried that he might think I was joking – so I made sure to put “I’m not joking” in my email to him.  His response was as follows:

“Ball Wipes – nice.  I definitely have some interesting friends.  One of my female high school friends recently wanted serious legal advice on the legality of moonshining in one’s home.  Now another friend wants advice on ball wipes.  You’re killing me!!  You could get Jimmy Johnson to do the commercials (used to be the Cowboys football coach). He already does Extendz commercials, which is for a pill that is supposed to enlarge your twig.  Now you can have a larger twig and clean berries!!” 

A few emails went by with him asking about how I was doing, how was Ireland.  I had to redirect him back to Ball Wipes, as he wasn’t taking my issue seriously.  Finally he responded with some actual legal advice:

“Don’t see much patentable potential in wipes to clean your nuts since wipes have been around forever to clean various “surfaces.”  This would be an obvious extension of cleaning wipes as far as the patent office is concerned.  However, you could certainly trademark the name and any other catchy nut-cleaning jingle that you come up with to sell these things.”

As the day came to a close, we had our idea, our “initial” reaction from friends and family, a bit of advice from an IP attorney and our “contract.”  We knew we had our work cut out for us, but we figured with the right marketing spin and support from women and gay men we could do ANYTHING!!!  Later that night CONTRACTOR Juniata did a bit of research (she is very committed to this product) and emailed us (the subject line of her email read “sweaty balls”).  She forwarded a link to a website for a product being launched in the UK called "Fellas" wipes (fellaswipes.com), we all agreed that the name of their wipe and their marketing is for shit and we are not worried at all about ball wipes competition from across the pond.  A bit after that CONTRACTOR Tanya emailed us and said that the whole concept of Ball Wipes has led to some pretty interesting discussions in her circle of friends/family and that her metro-sexual brother-in-law (previously canvased for his opinion) is now the butt of several “sweaty ball” jokes at his office – no surprise as he is an IT guy who works with mostly men.  One of the guys forwarded her a blog discussing the “sweaty ball” subject pasted here:

http://www.steadyhealth.com/sweaty_balls_t143247.html

Hey – at least we have folks talking about it!!!  It won’t be long until men realize that their balls are supposed to smell like pine straw!!!!  This is going to be big y’all!!!!!!  Don’t be surprised when you see us on The View.

On the fitness front – yeah, hard to follow a sweaty balls discussion with my fitness update, but I must quickly mention that I purchased a bicycle this weekend.  My friend’s partner passed away two years ago and he had a bike that he only used a couple of times.  It is a $500 REI bike and he sold it to me for $100.  I am excited to have the bike and look forward to being invited on bike rides from those of you who also have bikes!!!!  Keep me in mind.

That’s all for now.  Ciao!

The "Ball Wipes" Contract

My New Bike!!!