Ladies of the Conference Room and the Matter of the Stairwell Detainment

This will be a fairly quick update (“quick” by my definition – perhaps not yours – as I generally tend to be long-winded).  The side effects of my stairwell descent from this past Friday lasted well into Tuesday.  I still had a little “hitch in my giddyup” on Tuesday afternoon, so when CONTRACTORS Clare and Tanya asked me if I was walking the stairs after work I had to say no.  Clare left work and headed down the stairwell from hell around 4:30 and Tanya followed a couple hours later.  Tanya decided to actually run down the stairs to add a little “extra” to the workout.  She’s a crazy one that Tanya.  The lighting in the stairwell is dim and the steps are narrow – running down them is “flirting with disaster” if you ask me.  I would fall down – break my legs and end up as dinner for the rats before anyone found me.  Anyway, when Tanya got to work the next day she informed us that security stopped her in the stairwell as she reached the lobby level.  She was steady running down, down, down as she heard someone holler from above.  She remembered that one time before as she was running down she thought she heard someone holler out, but she just kept going.  Clare also noted that she thought she heard a voice when she took the stairs at 4:30, but thought nothing of it.  While this new “stairwell workout program” is great for the thighs and butt, the stairwell is honestly a bit creepy – you can imagine about 5000 scenarios why a woman should not be running down a semi-dark, deserted stairwell alone.  Like before, after she heard the person holler, she just kept on running – cell phone at the ready in case she needed to call for help.  However, this time, the hollering continued and so she stopped.  The man (whom she couldn’t see because he was at least three flights above her) was now clearly yelling “Ma’am!” down at her.  She yelled back up at the guy “Are you talking to me?” in a somewhat cocky tone of voice.  The man answered “Yes, I AM talking to you,” as he continued to walk down the steps towards her (she surely wasn’t going to climb back up the steps towards him – one, that would be stupid, she had no idea who he was or what he intended, and two, we walk DOWN the steps, we don’t walk UP).  If he wanted her, he was going to have to go get her.  So he did.  When he finally reached her, she could tell by his attire that he was building Security.  It took a few minutes for him to catch his breath, as he was actually chasing her down the steps (and he was losing the race).  He said to her “What are you doing in here?” to which she responded (still holding onto the attitude) “I’m exercising. What’s the problem?” Not amused by her attitude, the Security Guard explained “Ma’am, it is illegal to be in this stairwell.  We have been trying to catch someone in this stairwell for the past week and a half.  You are setting off alarms on every floor as you go down the steps.  What is your name and who do you work for?”  “Oh” Tanya responded (losing the attitude).  “We didn’t know that.  My fellow contract workers and I (yes, she sold us out!) have been going down the stairs to exercise.  Illegal, really?”  Since she was nearly at the bottom of the stairwell and had already triggered all of the alarms, he let her continue to the bottom with the promise that she would inform the rest of us that our exercise program was canceled, effective immediately.  Once we were all back together, had been properly briefed about the “Stairwell Detainment” and had managed to catch our breath after laughing at the knowledge that we had managed to elude the Security Guards for a week and a half while triggering alarms on 36 floors of one of Atlanta’s premier office buildings, we determined that there’s no way in hell it was actually “illegal” to use the stairwell.  We haven’t fully researched this allegation (you can be sure that we will), but we reckon the word “illegal” was thrown out by the Security Guard in response to Tanya’s snotty attitude.  Sure it might be against building policy to use the stairwell, but illegal? – unlikely.  There are no warnings posted on the door to the stairwell.  I checked.  There is only a sign that says "Stairs".  You would think there would be some sort of posting on a portal to an illegal stairwell, such as “STOP – You are entering a restricted area.  Unauthorized entry is illegal.  You will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”  There isn’t so much as an “Only Use For Emergencies” note.  Regardless of the actual “illegality” of our exercise program, we are in agreement that we will no longer be making use of the stairwell from hell.  Too bad.  It was kind of fun and outrunning Security Guards would certainly increase the level difficulty. 

One other amusing anecdote from last week is that CONTRACTOR Clare’s single friends have started texting Clare for the advice of the “Ladies of the Conference Room.”  Mainly the “Dear Ladies of the Conference Room” advice revolves around relationship issues.  Through our Conference Room Outreach Program we hope to make amends for our illegal stairwell activities and restore balance to the world - one single lady at a time.    

And you thought contract work wasn't exciting.  Sheesh!